Our Ms. Amazing has found us :) We have a surrogate!!!!!

Words simply cannot describe the emotions running through my bones at the moment. I have never been so in awe of someone in my entire life. To offer the gift of life for someone else, and cherish and take care of that life until when we can take over is nothing but miraculous.

A very spiritual man from India recently gave me some advice. It was a time where I wondered if I should give up. It was a time where I wasn’t entirely sure I had enough left in the tank to continue on with such an emotional and difficult journey. With every high came twenty lows and with it the wonder of whether I could continue on this path. His wise words encouraged me on and it is the reason I am now where I am today.

“Never let the flame of hope go out. With hope in your life, no matter how bad things may be, Peace, Faith and Love may shine brightly once again”. With this was the image of a candle of hope. Over the past 6 months, I have hung closely to that single flame of hope – refusing to let it go out. Even when things seemed to be at the depths of despair and all doors were closed, I refused to let that flame dissipate – though at times it was weary!

When I first began speaking with this amazing lady, I daren’t get my hopes up. But I nevertheless enjoyed our conversations and we had a lot in common. We ended up speaking about everything under the sun for several weeks and I genuinely felt a special connection with her. People have spoken about speaking to potential surrogates as “surrogate dating” and it always made me giggle. At the end of a few weeks it occurred to me that, well…if this was a date – I would be really happy :). Again, not wanting to get my hopes up, I continued to just chat with her as I do with all my other friends and put the thought of surrogacy out of my mind. And I am so glad I did!! It was because of this, that she was able to see the real me. I didn’t even know at the time as I was being my usual self and it was this that convinced her that there was something here and I was the possible Intended Parent (IP) for her. She sent me a message that I will never ever forget and will cherish always as it means more to me than anything. She had told me that it was my constant support of her through a medical procedure she was having that gave her the real idea of who I was.

The fact that she wanted to go ahead was not my blog, not my story, not my illness, not Jamelia’s desire to have sibling but her connection with me and who I am as a person :). This humbles me and makes me feel so wonderful. She chose me because of ME and that we got along so well. Yay!! It makes for a wonderful and amazing future for all of us, and I truly will consider her like a sister for the remainder of my life.

After thanking her partner for lending me her body for 9 or so months, he responded with – its all good….as long as she comes back in near new condition!.

My candle of hope is far from extinguished! It is burning brightly and beginning to relight faith, love and peace. And thank you Kate for your auspicious gift – I think it worked!!

I have no words to describe the level of thanks and gratitude I feel today. I cannot begin to anticipate the overwhelming emotion yet to be experienced on this journey. But one thing is for sure. Our search for an Earth Angel is over!! She found us!! And what a Ms. Amazing she is 🙂

Hold on to your britches people….let the fun and happiness begin!!!!

An auspicious gift

Spending the morning studying, though difficult with my mind on other things. I decided to take a coffee break and walk down the driveway to check the mail. I was hoping for a cheque from Medicare, but what I found was far more valuable than any amount of money.

I rarely receive gifts or packages unless it is from the university book shop or something I have purchased online – both of which are only few times a year. So to find a neat little unexpected package sitting there in my mail box was exciting in it itself!

It was from my lovely sweet friend who recently travelled to India to commence her surrogacy journey.

Her auspicious gift has lifted my spirits and provided a level of excitement to continue on. In this lovely little package of hope was an Indian fertility egg which represents new life, new beginnings, fertility and hope. This little gift all the way from India, in a sweet little trinket box is simply perfect.

The lucky Indian rupee also signifies luck. To hold a lucky Indian rupee increases your chances of luck, and winning what it is that you dream of.

These gifts from across the Indian Ocean have left me with a feeling of love, warmth and kindness. I have eternal gratitude for these gifts and they will be held ever so close always. The generous and kind hearted gift and little note for our little embryo’s will be forever cherished. Thank you Kate, my heart is yours today  xxxx

Faith

Faith is such an elusive term. Google has informed me that faith is “confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability. 2. belief that is not based on proof”

To me, it is even something deeper than this…not only faith in another, but faith in oneself. Each day things occur which sometimes make you question faith to varying levels. Faith in your ability, faith in your judgement and faith in the universe. Beyond all of this however is the unknown.

So many Intended Parents (IP’s) have to have faith in abundance. Faith that like a trickling water feature, it is overflowing and never ending.  A knowing that all will be OK. That OK may not be the OK that we intend – but faith that whatever is meant to be will be.

A dear friend of mine, and I can call her this even though we have not met as we have shared our deepest darkest fears, our all inspiring courage and a determination to give it our all…..in otherwords – we have declared to have faith in the unknown. It is a beautiful thing.

This dear friend has recently returned from New Delhi India. Her surrogacy journey has taken her to this colourful, vibrant and exciting country to fulfill her dream (or so we hope). Her family including their 4 year old son spent a month in India meeting her surrogate, undergoing IVF and transferring her cherished embryo’s to this wonderful Indian lady who agreed to carry her child.For people not familiar with the surrogacy world, this might sound crazy! It may appear that faith has leaned a little too far into risk. However more Australian babies are born through surrogacy in India and Thailand every year than in our own country! We have the surrogacy bureaucracy  in Australia to thank for that. But nevertheless, hundreds of Australian babies are being happily born through surrogacy in India and Thailand and coming home to Australia each year.

My lovely friend has been patiently waiting to hear the news of her pregnancy. Today is the end of the dreaded two week wait (2WW) from transfer to pregnancy test. Her family have been amazing, and her family has vowed to not give up and will help and support them emotionally and in any way possible to try again if today’s news isn’t as hoped.

We started this journey many months ago together. We have talked on the phone many times, shared our fears and hopes, and I am excited beyond belief that she is already at this point of finding out if they are pregnant. There could be a Christmas baby!!

So with this excitement, and seeing so many IP’s around me moving forward in their journey, I am excited too. And I realise that faith is what brings us to this point. Faith in the unknown, faith in the universe, faith in doctors, faith in something which there is no guarantee will happen and faith that if it doesn’t happen, life will move on, and we will cherish it with all our might.

Those whom risk nothing……..have nothing

Happy Easter Everyone!

Special celebration times remind me of the importance of family. Whether you are Christian or not, all special celebrations are times to realise what we have and cherish how lucky we are 🙂

Easter for me represents new beginnings, fresh starts and being thankful and grateful for all that we have. I look at our little family, and devour the happiness and special times we have been blessed with. And with those everlasting memories we create, and the joy that we feel, it reminds me of all that has been, and all we have conquered in our lives. It is a triumph that we are where we are.

Pursuing surrogacy is an emotional roller coaster filled with highs and lows I didn’t think possible. Not simply my own highs and lows, but those of the community. Seeing life dreams come to a hault when a negative pregnancy test is received with a final embryo. Wondering how I would cope in this same situation. Then seeing people who have been attempting a family for over 10 years meet their child through surrogacy for the first time. The images are breathtaking, but the pain associated with getting to that point is raw and all too real. I question my ability to tackle such enormous situations and wonder at my resolve to handle such a situation. But then I remind myself of where I have been and what I have endured….it is then I realise again that whether we are religious or not – we are here for a reason. Our lives are finite and our journey is ours. We are what we make ourselves despite the obstacles put in our way. It is our sense of being that drives us to continue when it really is what we desire.

Those whom risk nothing….have nothing. Surrogacy is a risky venture. Every ounce of trust being put in the kindness and goodness of another human being to bring your child into this world. But knowing how much love we have to give, seeing the utter joy as other parents fulfill their dreams, I can do nought but trust……

Happy Easter everyone, and Happy New Beginnings.

I am not giving the baby up!

Everyone hears the negative stories on surrogacy. The story we hear is when the surrogate bonds with the baby or refuses to give the baby up. I recall watching a Dr Phil show years ago where a surrogate refused to give up the twins she was carrying for another couple. It is, I have to say at the top of my “worry” list. It would be less worrisome if it was a sister, family member or best friend carrying your child as a life long relationship has been developed. But I did wonder how it would be where people met initially  purely for the purpose of surrogacy.

When I met my previous surrogate who in the end was unable to carry due to her own health issues – it was something I was very open about and wondered how she would cope, although she LOVED being pregnant and she was looking forward to it again, I still wondered. I also researched a lot, and discussed and read in forums the viewpoints of these beautiful surrogate ladies. Some had never thought of surrogacy until their best friends couldn’t fall pregnant, or their sister or sister in law had issues with fertility or illness. But regardless of where the relationship arose, the answers have been the same. This baby is not mine.

Gestational surrogacy is where someone else provides their biological genetic embryo’s to be transferred into the surrogate. So although the surrogate is carrying this child, it is not genetically their own child. I still however know what it feels like to have a child grow inside you, feel the kicks, the movements and lets not forget the sleepless nights and kicks in the ribs! There is no denying you are carrying a child! So I still wondered how the surrogate would cope with doing this?

I recently followed a blog of a surrogate who had given birth to twins. She was completely prepared that she may have overwhelming emotion when she returned home. How would she cope now the child is born – what now? She recalled herself and her support network were prepared for there to be grief, upset and a multitude of emotions. What did she feel most? She felt guilt. Not guilt for giving birth to the baby – but guilt that she should have felt more attached! This was not something I had expected. She explained relief and guilt. Relief it was a success, joy that she could return to her own family, but guilt that she didn’t feel the same kind of love she felt for her own children. She explained it was love, but not the same. And it never felt the same. She cared for the child as she would an aunty, but was very happy to return to her normal life without any grief or depression. Overwhelming joy that she had given the gift of life.

I really wasn’t expecting that response! I also am sure it isn’t always the way, however most surrogates do state the same type of connections.

One beautiful surrogate who has been an altruistic surrogate twice here in Australia provided the most meaningful explanation to me. She was often asked the question by her family, friends and colleagues – I couldn’t do it? How can you give the baby up? Her response and explanation to me to ease my mind was this;  I am a surrogate, I want to give my intended parents the joy of a child – I am not carrying this child to be a mother. I am NOT giving this baby up, I am giving this baby BACK! This is their child, not mine – I am simply babysitting for a while while they are unable – when they are ready, I am just giving their baby back 🙂

I try to remember that, and also share that with people who are startled by my decision. From a surrogates perspective, I am not giving this baby up, I am giving it back 🙂

Our Kind of Perfect

In a perfect world, there would be no divorce, there would be no illness, there would be no infertility, there would be an abundance of money for everyone, and we would all be blessed with the family and children we wanted. Obviously – this is not a perfect world. I once believed I lived in that world, for one short time, and I really believed life was perfect and it would remain that way. Even though it didn’t remain that way….it was NEVER a mistake. This beautiful little girl would not be here had I not had this experience.

So because my life doesn’t any longer fit in the “perfect” category – does that mean I should give up on everything? What if, since that moment where I “thought” life was perfect, I have since found out that even when I now have none of those things my life seems more perfect than it has ever been? Perhaps it is going from what is deemed to be perfect, to not having those things that I have found that essentially none of those things really exist? Why do I need to fit into the perfect category to have a little brother or sister for my angel?

So I decided a few years ago that I needed to create a situation which would allow me to be in the position for life to be as close to perfect as possible.

My health didn’t want to play along, so on hold went the relationship/baby plans whilst I attended to many surgeries and raised my little girl. Lots of complications happened also, which further delayed this – no problem I said, I am still young – not 40 yet! I waited for a time where I knew I was well enough to bring another child into the world. Apparently my body had other ideas. What? Really? Are you kidding me? I had all these surgeries to get me well and prepare me for this, for them to now let me know my body won’t be able to cope with the pregnancy?? No – I couldn’t have heard that right! So a little more time goes by while to try to deal with that thought. Being an Aries, no one says to me – no you can’t do that!! I will find I way I think.

Because surrogacy and egg donation was something I had always thought of in the back of my mind to do for others – it was a quick decision to walk down this path and investigate further. I have met so many amazing people, followed some miraculous journey’s and been inspired to take the leap of faith myself. My life is now in the position of being ready to welcome a new little addition to our teeny tiny family. My health is better, my degree is almost finished, and the future holds wonderful things. Faith and hope will keep the candles burning a little longer.

I have had some amazing emails and private messages of support from some dear dear friends and family in my life. It humbles me to the core. I am also so blessed to have 2 little ice babies in the freezer waiting for a beautiful tummy mummy to join our party and help our dreams come true.

The happy giggles, pure love, total loyalty, honesty and truth of heart that oozes through the doors and windows of our home is testimony that this is most definitely our kind of perfect, and our kind of perfect will welcome a little bundle of life with more joy and excitement than anyone could dream 🙂 We hope to find a surrogate soon to become part of ‘our kind of perfect’ story xx

A green jumpsuit and a dream.

This image is of Miss 7’s pride and joy. She completed all her chores earnestly for 2 weeks, and with her pocket money – she purchased a baby outfit. She has written in her “baby diary” – and ensured that I sign in agreeance, that this will be the first item of clothing the baby will wear. Every night Miss 7 goes to bed, cuddles her teddy bear in one arm, and the jumpsuit in the other. She then thanks the universe for everything good that has happened and puts out her dreams which always starts off with a sibling.

I wanted to make sure that she understood that the baby was not necessarily going to be a “Jasmine” and it could very well be a “James”. She looked at me as if I had been plucked from Mars and placed into her lounge room! “Of course I realise that mum”. Hence why the jumpsuit she chose was green.

So I have been asked “How does someone find a surrogate”……Oh if I only knew this answer!

Many people are blessed to have sisters, family members or life long friends who are able to offer this most precious gift of all. Unfortunately this is not possible for a variety of personal reasons, so I am one of the many people who requires to venture further afield in the search.

I was blessed beyond belief when last year a beautiful lady from Brisbane offered to carry my bundle of joy for me. We had an instant connection when we chatted online, and then met in person. Her lovely family supported her decision to carry my baby, and we all met several times for lunch and coffee over a period of months. We had an instant bond and the connection felt right. Unfortunately just prior to commencing the process of transferring the embryo’s – she had sadly discovered that a medical condition she herself had was not going to allow her to proceed in this journey. We were both equally devastated. I questioned my strength to carry on and try again. I made my decision after much research, introspection, analysis and careful deliberation. I am not doing this out of vanity or arrogance, but out of love. A love that runs so deep it hurts, a love that I want to complete our family despite the unfortunate situation with my previous health issues. A love that has a strength to conquer the battles no matter how difficult they may become.

In Australia, a surrogate must be altruistic – meaning that the surrogate cannot be paid for doing this. How does one ask someone to give up nine months of their body and life for me, to gain nothing other than the knowledge that they did this? Of course all expenses etc are paid entirely by the Intended Parent (me)…but how does one ask this? “Oh excuse me, would you be willing to get fat, sick and go through endless hours of excruciating pain for me”? This is simply something I could never do.

Luckily for the people like myself there are some amazing people in this world who will do this altruistically and who will read my story in the surrogacy forums and come to me. Some people including my previous surrogate have said that they have always wanted to do this for another family and have always known – and they infact seek out an intended parent. Incredible, incredible, amazing people. This world I have entered – the world of surrogacy has shown me the incredible lengths that people will go to in order to have a child, and the lengths that others go to in assisting them. I am so humbled and honored to have met some of these simply amazing people and following their journey’s entirely warms my heart.

For now we have a green jumpsuit and 2 people with an incredible dream.

It is time to bare all

I sit here, with tears running freely down my face as I recall the journey that has brought us to this point. I also look at this image of my little princess and my heart fills with joy, pride and endless happiness. If it were not for this little girl, I would never have experienced the utter power of the love a mother can experience. She is a bundle of kindness, generosity, loyalty, sweetness and giggle filled joy – and she has brought this upon me too. I never believed it possible a young child could teach me things about maturity, philanthropy, hope and giving – but she has done all that and more.

There are only the 2 of us in our little family (apart from our beautiful pets)…but it is a little family with a bond that runs so deep it gives me goosebumps when I think about it. Our little family is about to embark on a HUGE journey. This journey will be filled with ups and downs, tears of joy and happiness, and hopefully at the end of it – another little bundle of hope, joy and laughter. This journey is going to be a tough one, it has already been a very tough one to get to the point we are at. We have no control of the outcome, but we will give it all that we have.

The journey I am talking about is that of surrogacy. I debated whether or not to discuss the story of what brought us to this point….I may do in the future – but not now. Right now…I want to focus on the hope. It has been traumatic over the past few years with battles with my health, and yes…has left me unable to carry my own child. But this story is not only about that. Right now – we have hope. Let me tell you part of that story…

12 months ago, Miss 7 and I were talking in bed. She came out with this “Mummy, did you know that before I was born, I was able to pick any mummy in the whole wide world?”….”Mummy, I got to pick out of anyone, and I picked you because I could see you were the best out of everyone”. “Mummy, when I picked you, another baby wanted you too…her name was Jasmine. She told me to go first, and she would wait for you and we could be sisters”. I looked at her and smiled. We had often talked about wanting another child, and her absolute desire to have a little brother or sister. But this, and the way she said it – blew me away. Several months later, after yet another few surgeries, she came back and said “mummy…Jasmine is still waiting, I was talking to her last night and she really wants to come now”. Miss 7 had tears in her eyes – it was then I realised her heart ached as much as mine did. She has so much love to give, so much generosity to share and will make the most beautiful big sister in the world. I have not been the only one craving this child.

It also hit home when my father became terribly terribly ill several months ago. My sisters and I, and his brother’s and sisters were all a fort of strength and support, not only for him – but for each other. In an instant…there were family from all over Australia by his bedside. This is what life is about. Life is about family, love and hope. My body has let me down, but our spirit, strength and desire are stronger than ever.

This blog is so that I have a place to tell my story, tell our story and share the human side of surrogacy. It is often a controversial subject thanks to the media often surrounding it, however, when you hear the stories, follow them and understand the why’s and hows it is clear to see why society needs to understand. There is a huge lack of information, and a mystery surrounding this journey. It is also sad to say, it has a level of shame and guilt attached with it also because of the negativity. So wherever possible, I am not going to focus on this. This is a joyous time 🙂 We are hoping to create a new little life to complete our tiny little family. This is going to be an exciting journey, and one that gives us HOPE. Hope that we can fulfill our dreams just as most other families have the opportunity to do almost every day.

I have become part of the surrogacy world, and made some amazing new friends. They share in the tears, smiles, and giggles but most importantly the journey of surrogacy. Up until now I have been filled with fear to share this and tell people. Scared of what people will think, and say. But following my new friends blogs, and all the support they have received from their friends and family – I decided it was time bare all. A “coming out” so to speak.

I have had some negative reaction to my circumstance from people, who think I should be happy with the one child I have and that my child should be happy without a sibling… if you have feelings like this (or anything else negative) then I plead with you to keep them to yourself  as this is not what I, nor my daughter, need. I would love to share our journey of joy, hope and love with you – and would love every ounce of support from my beautiful friends 🙂 xxxx